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“It’s Not Your Job to Fix Broken Men”: Dating Wisdom for Single Women of Color

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“It’s Not Your Job to Fix Broken Men”: Dating Wisdom for Single Women of Color

The dating scene has always been kind of crazy, most because of the fact that there’s really no correct way to date. With finding Mr./Mrs. Right consisting consisting of so much trial and error, it stands to reason how a lot of important information is missed (or simply overlooked).

It’s easy to put emphasis on things that ultimately don’t matter. Things like looks, a man’s fashion sense, or his current status…you know, that kind of stuff.

While those qualities may be alluring, they aren’t what will make or break the relationship in the long run.

But don’t fret.

Experts have found that these 5 things, if applied, would make traversing the dating world much less challenging – if you’re dating with purpose. Let’s dive right in.

1. It’s Dating – Not Adoption

We’ve all heard the expression “You can’t change a man,” but that doesn’t impede some of us from jumping in head first and trying to save the as if we’re Super Woman herself.

Ladies, let’s be honest – that’s not our job.

Even though we often times like to think we’re “different,” if a man’s own mother was unable to teach him any better, what makes you think you can? You think you’re going to just snap your fingers and suddenly give the brother some “act right?”

392442 01: (Editorial Use Only, Copyright Columbia Pictures ) Actress Taraji P. Henson and Actor Tyrese Gibson perform in the film “Baby Boy.” (Photo by Courtesy Columbia Pictures/Getty Images)

Regardless of how interesting he might seem at first, if he isn’t prepared to fulfill his role as a man, he’s only going to waste your time.

Each of us have room for improvement in all aspects of our lives, and few things can compare to the beauty of growing and building with someone. But, at no point should your potential partner have to be taught the basics.

Things like values and principles, good financial habits, and plain old motivation shouldn’t be the tip of the iceberg. These are prerequisites.

2. You Don’t Owe Anyone the Benefit of the Doubt

I like to think I’ve learned to be as non-judgmental as humanly possible. Now, we all are biased in some way, but when my judgments try to sway me, I do my best to check myself before looking at anyone suspiciously.

Nonetheless, God has blessed every one of us with a little gift called vibes. You know, that gut feeling you get when something seems “off?”

Something about the guy doesn’t quite sit well with you, his words don’t match his actions, or maybe you feel sick to your stomach for no apparent reason whenever he’s around.

I know, I know…it’s not okay to jump to conclusions about a person, particularly when you don’t have any evidence, right?


Ask me any given day and I will unambiguously tell you that vibes are not accidental. I believe they are an extra layer of protection that comes from our spirit, usually guarding us from potential threats we can’t quite put our finger on.

If you get a strange feeling about a person, more than likely you have good reason to remove yourself from them.

Nobody is owed a pass until you can figure out whether your intuition is right.

Besides, the only way you can get confirmation typically involves you being hurt in the process. If you got the wrong vibe, fine – better safe than sorry.

3. Stop Referring to Genuinely Interested Suitors as “Thirsty”

Can we all agree that calling men thirsty needs to come to an end?

I’m referring to the good guys; the genuinely interested suitors. When a man is genuine, he goes after you in a way that demonstrates that AND there’s not a single thing wrong with it.

I don’t know about you, but when I was mingling in the dating scene I wanted a man to yearn for me. I wanted him to long for our connection and have an insatiable appetite for my time.

A man whose sights are set only on you will show it.

Maybe it’s a little arrogant, but I expect a guy to want to spoil me with his attention as he pleases. I mean, I think I’m kinda worth it, don’t you?

More often than I should, I watch ladies brush men off who tell them exactly where their intentions lie. He likes you. He wants you – that’s a wonderful thing. But no, these women embark on the road to nowhere following “Mr. Elusive,” becoming just another number on the proverbial “hit list.”

Here’s the raw an unfiltered truth: you can’t get upset when things don’t go the way you want them to, when he never really wanted you to begin with. When a guy is into you, I mean really into, he’ll scream it from the top of the highest mountain – everyone will know.

Besides, if you’re both parched, is it really “thirst?”

4. It’s Not Your Job to Fix a Broken Man

I understand; a lot of us identify as caretakers and we’re pretty good at it too. What could be more virtuous than helping someone when they’re down and out? But when it comes to being broken, piecing oneself back together is a one person job.

Sure, we all have problems, but it’s not your duty to mend a broken man.

Give him the time and space to gather himself, alone. Besides, no one knows what it’s going to take to make him whole again better than him.

Broken objects, whether animate or inanimate, tend to be dangerous.

Have you ever been in a room when a piece of glass shatters? Your first thought might be to run and get a broom. Within moments you return, only to be told to watch your step. Since you don’t know where all of the tiny shards landed, you could possibly go from the role of helper to that of victim.

You have to be cautious.

Am I saying broken people shouldn’t experience love and companionship? No, but they do need to ensure their space is safe before inviting someone in.

5. Be Mindful of the Influences You Allow in Your Life

Currently, we’re living in the age of the strong, independent woman. Now more than any time before, women are leading our lives in a way that has rarely been witnessed. We have our own goals, our own money, and live by our own rules.

But, despite how independent you are, the influence your significant other can have on you should never be underestimated.

When my husband and I began our journey towards buying a house, I hadn’t once considered owning an historical home. Now, just five years later, I can’t fathom owning a home that didn’t boast some kind of antiquated charm. The influence in this case isn’t life changing, but it’s an influence nonetheless.

1 Corinthians 15:33 reads:

“Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.”

I’m sure all of us have known at least one person whose life became a sort of downward slope after getting into a certain relationship. One day they’re the person you grew to know and love, and the next, their actions, habits, and/or lifestyle have completely changed.

While it’s easy from the outside looking in to say “it couldn’t be me,” ensure that it won’t be by only allowing people with positive energy into your circle.

Life is too short to waste precious time getting tangled up in foolishness.

So there it is; when roaming the extraordinary and sometimes weird world of dating, holding fast to these 5 points may produce better results on your journey. The key is to have fun, keep an open mind, and most importantly, guard your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being.

You owe it to yourself.


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